Archive for the ‘Reviews’ Category

2 Feb

Essential Minerals 0

People can’t get enough of things that look like rocks but aren’t. Remember those foam pads that look like chunks of granite? They were usually found at outdoor sporting goods stores and really funny people liked to hurl them at you when you were in the middle of trying on hiking boots, forcing you to make a split-second Sophie’s choice about which part of your body would be saved and which would come to serve as a grisly reminder to passersby of the senseless brutality inherent to this epochal circus.


Well, Kimmie Candy’s Chocorocks operate on the same deceitful premise, the notable difference being that you can eat them. This is clutch if you’re attempting to conceal snacks from greedy, sticky fingered roommates, colleagues of siblings and may also prove to be the silver lining if you ever happen to have them thrown at you.

In addition to looking a great deal like pebbles, (geologists will recognize feldspars, gneisses, granite-countertops, cubic-cleavage and whatever else agglomerates their minerals) Chocorocks are excellent confections. With a hard, crispy-to-the-bite candy exterior and a smooth, milk chocolate center, they’re kind of like very stylish M&Ms. Boasting a vaguely malty taste and wide variety of colors, shapes and textures– ranging from coarse to smooth– this is stealth snacking of serious stature.

Are you ready to rock?

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in Candy, Chocolate, Milk Chocolate, Reviews

If Chunky were developed today, it’s a fair bet the name wouldn’t pass muster in many focus groups. Yet, for over seven decades it has remained defiantly on the shelves, proudly shouting out its incredibly apropos (and rather insinuating) name in husky red letters. My advice is not to take offense. Even if you live large, the Chunky is hardly your worst enemy.

Why?

It fills you up! That’s right, for a measly 1.4 ounce bar, the Chunky’s power to stave off hunger approaches the uncanny. The combination of milk chocolate, peanuts and raisins– long used to great effect in trail-mixes— works magic here as well. A single Chunky– while undeniably a mouthful– is neither too sweet, nor too insubstantial, which is more than can be said of most chocolate bars. You aren’t going to be gulping down aspirin or rooting in the cupboard for chips after a Chunky, is what I’m trying to say. You’re going to want to run up a mountain without stopping.

Also, its double Trapezoid shape reminds me of Optimus Prime before Michael Bay blew chunks all over him.

His gleaming torso was inspired by the Chunky

Celebrate Chocolate Bars of All Shapes and Sizes at Candy.com!

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27 Jan

Rage Against the Dying of the Zagnut 1

If you’ve never seen a Zagnut, you’re not alone. They’ve been on the International Candy Service’s list of critically endangered Sweets since 1979 and even the efforts  of HERSHEY’S, which acquired the brand from D.L. Clark Company in 1996, have not been enough to pull the bars back from the brink that they’ve been teetering on for the past 30 years. And it’s a shame too, because the Zagnut is both unusual and delicious — a unique, but rapidly vanishing part of our American Confectionery heritage. While schools of the rare and beautiful bars — which are composed of crisp, thin layers of a kind of peanut brittle (almost mica like in consistency) coated in toasted coconut– exist in spacious reserves at some of the larger online candy websites, they are essentially impossible to find in their natural habitat on the shelves of local convenience stores.

A rare photo of a Zagnut in the wild

While film and television stars such as Michael Keaton (Beetlejuice), Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte (48 Hours), Fred Willard (SCTV), Lisa Simpson (The Simpsons) and Jason Lee (My Name is Earl) have used their celebrity status to spread awareness of Zagnut conservation, the plight of the Bars remains desperate.

Zagnuts have been seen to inspire great passion

An anonymous poet has recently sent us a bit of verse in honor of the Zagnut, with the hope that his or her words might inspire Zagnut awareness in today’s youth. Touchingly, the paen is structured as a villanelle, an archaic nineteen line form nearly as rare and irrelevant in modern poetry as is Zagnut in modern confectionery.

Probably the last guy to even care about a villanelle

Let us hope and pray that these words shall not soon serve as an epitaph.

The bar the world sang “Sighs! Wherefore such grace?”

Two nuts joined; pressed in rhomboid reverie

Stem and Root, whose fruits envy the other’s place

***

Glory shrinks from those who give it chase

Abiding on the less than likely tree

Zagnut: Peanut, coconut; this is grace

***

Where others clap for chocolate in the race

D.L. Clark, spitting, shouts, “It shall not be!”

“With this one I shall put them in their place!”

***

But every Saint’s a sinner if you trace

The arc whose course terminates in the sea

And find among the floating wrappers, grace

***

The sun sinks into rivers, swims with Dace

And schools of lesser stars sing out in glee

That they should gleam the brighter in its place

***

Yet still, the learned calling for the ace

Shall not drowned out by shriller voices be

Heed the peal of Zagnut: munch it in grace

Help the lost great reclaim its rightful place

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in Candy, Candy Tips, Nostalgic/Retro, Reviews


Whether you’re a cap or a stem fellow, you must surely wager that the latest nostrum from eccentric (and some say deranged) confectioner Wilhelm “Willy” Wonka is, at the very least, no flim-flam.

Modeled after popular fungal fruiting bodies, youths especially shall greet the glad trifecta of patent shapes with enthusiasm. One: a handsome button replete with a squat, ribbed torso, the second: pleasant and conically inclined, the third: a sort of ovate affair, gilled as a berth of folios! Called “Puckerooms” and deriving their flavor with extractions from sundry “fruits,” the mind boggles contemplating the demoniac cunning that has birthed these seeming errata, and it is this author’s contention, at least, that the jaundiced hand of that seldom seen but much discussed diaspora of pygmy confectioners, the “Oompa-Loompa,” shall have been at play. Despite much muttering at Rowntree to the contrary, I say, “well played,” for the machinations of these pagan small persons have in “Puckerooms,” produced an assortment rare in that it pleases the palate as much as the eye— which is more than discerning gastromancers must claim of Bostwick’s Molasses Shoe Black or Plympton & Kegel’s Fagged Lymeswold Clots.


And what of the smack of these pretties? Do not come to disregard our tryst if I say that the “Puckeroom” is vibrant and color-full. The exotic taste of a strange and fecund tropic remains foremost on the tongue, and undiminished with each successive bite. The savor of “cherries” from the groves of the Near East is one variety, being dark and sweet as the fancy inducing perfumes of the same. The “Lemon and Orange”—tart as mature Wensleydale– recalls Iberia, and should remind any who have Yule-tided in Lapland of the curious berries so beloved by those who adorn their hearths with stockings in hope of attracting the pity of St. Niklaus. The “Grape,” meanwhile should prove no obstacle for the salt of any person inclined toward the sopping of “Wines,” though this presentation sadly bears little of its salubrious effects.

If you are a grimme and choleric chappe, continue to drive your hearse-carriage and be done with it, however, do not say to me “I denounce Mr. Wonka’s Puckerooms and their apologists!” for there is enough bluster and smog in the London faire without you! And I would point out to you that “Bubble and Squeak” was once considered “exciting” and “Luciferian.” My only complaint to Mr. Wonka is that the confection is not perhaps as sour as the advertisement marquee otherwise indicates. Be assured, it is no Hessian cheese– though I dare it is no madding crowd who shall not object the fact either!

Wonka’s Sour Puckerooms Gummies are made with the finest natural ingredients (including 25% real fruit juice) and contain Gelatin.

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in Candy, Candy Tips, Reviews