Archive for the ‘Reviews’ Category

17 Mar

Unicorn Pops 0

Huzzah!

What cures poisoning, is worth many times its weigh in gold, attracts impressionable youths, makes a kickin’ decal and tastes delicious? Unicorn horns!

Awesome

Whether or not you believe the stories, you can’t be denying facts, so let me lay them out for you.

Killer

Unicorn Pops are revolving, evolving, spiraling towers of assorted fruity flavored hard candy strips. As you slurp away at the sweet, mild and natural tasting exterior, you’ll notice the flavors change and morph. The pop I sampled started off tasting like pure barley sugar, changed to blueberry from there, tarried briefly at lime, stopped short at raspberry, waffled merrily into strawberry and thenceforth dissolved into a delicious gustatory cacophony of all the above.

Surely, it was a lot of sugar, yet I left the pop feeling good, slightly magical even. Overall, a confectionery experience of rare proportions.

OMG Unicorns!

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16 Mar

Albanese Separates the Men from the Guys 0

Set ‘em up and knock ‘em back—that’s how you deal with Army Men. I wish the same could be said of Albanese’s Army Guys.

Guys, dudes, bros—you know who I’m talking about. Your brother could very well be a guy and that guy down the hall that listens to G. Love & Special Sauce? It’s conceivable that he too is a guy. You might even be a guy. While many guys prefer hanging out, chilling, maxing, kicking back, tuneskies, the phrase “beer me,” and plastic thong sandals to MREs and the constant threat of annihilation, several have adapted successfully to life in the Armed Services. Due to a perceived dominance of and ubiquity within the paradigm, market-driven approaches to the portrayal of military institutions in film, television and popular music tend to represent men  as the sole participants in warfare, thus (advertently and inadvertently) advancing  a  by-men for-men socio-historical narrative as narrow in scope as it is epistemologically irresponsible. While I applaud Albanese (USA “World’s Best”) for attempting to redress these unfortunate circumstances by naming its Gummi  jarheads “Army Guys,” I’m disappointed in the product from the standpoint of a confectionery appraiser.

Some stock guy, just trying to enjoy himself.

My eagerness to mete justice by recognizing the contribution of army guys to the course of history was blanched from the moment I opened the bag. As I bent to smell the guys, I was disappointed that instead of stale cereal and patchouli or whatever, the distinct aroma of gluey porch treatment hit my nostrils like some kind of tough man. Guys don’t smell like a classroom of kindergarteners scribbling away with permanent markers– men do! The iniquities didn’t stop there. Biting into the guys (who were supposed to taste like green apple), my mouth was offended by both their flavor and texture. We all know that guys can be a little sloppy when it comes to personal appearance and hygiene, but these guys were ridiculous. These guys tasted like uncooked egg-whites that had been sprayed with that bitter apple pet deterrent stuff that some guys use on their dogs and were approximately the consistency of old gak some guy has had lying around under his couch since 1994. Perhaps this sounds harsh. As a guy, I’m capable of exaggeration, but guys, trust me.

We appreciate the effort guys, but seriously, you’re giving guys a bad rap.

Hey, guy, here’s the link.

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12 Mar

Time has Come for Revenge of the NERDS! 0

Though time has passed for Valentine’s Day, and that’s the NERD variety I sampled (read: wolfed down within a minute of having opened the package) for today’s review. Sorry for being out of the loop, but when you review candies for a living you tend to work at the whim of whatever you’ve got lying around.

I mean, I got this, but srsly.

First, let me say that I’m a little cheesed at Wonka for not incorporating the brilliant “twin-chamber” gimmick into their mini-boxes. It’s amazing how a tiny strip of chipboard separating varieties of these charming, carnauba wax coated candies can turn us into slavering Captain K’nuckleses, but then we all know what savagery lurks in the hearts of men. Lucky for NERDS, they got it together when it comes to taste, so I’m willing to forgive them this pint-sized oversight.

This wittle. Are the animal pictures working for you guys?

“NERDS Valentine” is comprised of two flavors; the straightforwardly titled strawberry and the mysterious, possibly injurious “punch.” The former is, predictably, pink very sweet and slightly creamy while the latter is white, tangy and a bit like the Juicy Juice flavor that at least has the decency to specify that it’s “fruit punch.” Separately they’re satisfying, and together they’re even better, weirdly (but not unpleasantly) tasting almost like cilantro at times. Since I’m incredibly impatient with food I tend to crunch anything I’m eating to oblivion. In the case of NERDS, crunching is a necessity, but be warned, you will cough.

Happy Hearts and Pink Things!

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11 Mar

Never has Pepperoni Pizza been so Crackers! 0

Crackers, Combos sure are the Dog’s! Devious scientists at Mars, Incorporated discover how to synthesize Pepperoni Pizza and your most craven fancies are reaping the all-too-delicious harvest.

Bountiful

These are not, by any stretch of he imagination, a low-fat food. Granted, there’s a big whiff of wheat flour, a few token tomatoes, a smattering of spices, and altogether less egregiously artificial-sounding ingredients than you might expect. Yellow 6 Lake? Check. Red 40 Lake? Check. The old “natural and artificial ingredients,” ploy? Check. Like they say around Monsanto, “you can’t make an omelet without splicing strawberries with trout genes!” We all expect there to be some unsavory stuff in our combos—heck, it may even be why we like them—so I was surprised / impressed / a little sad to see these Pepperoni Pizza Crackers so lacking. Kinky, eh?

Not quite like that.

The thing is, they’re really good. So good, in fact, that it’s difficult to stop eating them once you start. The “cracker” crust is crispy, crunchy and salty. The pizza filling is tangy, creamy, meaty (?), and also salty. The juxtaposition of textures, plus the hefty amount of salt makes for a dangerously cravable combonation (hahaha! Ugh…). Whether you want to or not, you’re going to eat the whole bag. For the sake of your continued ability to enjoy life, the universe and future Mars, Inc. snacks, I recommend making your bag of delicious Combos Pepperoni Pizza Crackers…

A small one.

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