Archive for the ‘Nostalgic/Retro’ Category

5 Feb

It should be paying me to eat it 0

Just kidding, I actually like the Sugar Daddy, though this flies in the face of my better judgment. As likely to leave you screaming in agony as cooing in delight, the pantheon of modern confectionery has only rarely witnessed such an unapologetic provocateur. Though suckers for punishment may warn that you can’t tiptoe on the wild-side, there are relatively safe ways to enjoy this slab of caramelized Marquis du Sade-on-a-stick. The first mistake people usually make when they meet “The Daddy” is underestimating him. You should expect to lose teeth if you plunge in unprepared with your gums flapping and your jaws gnashing. There is a reason why this “lollipop” has been given a creepy paternal epithet.

Those who’ve beaten the “Beige Baron” know that there are some tricks for going toe-to-toe with the old pudgy pugilist.

Step One: Apply the heat! Leaving a Sugar Daddy on the dashboard of an El Camino in the Mojave desert between 1 and 4 PM in late July is a great way to get the candy just soft enough so that your pearly whites won’t shatter immediately upon contact.

Step Two: Don’t get cocky! Just because you’ve sunk your teeth into it, doesn’t mean you’re going to get them out again. Under no circumstances should you yet bite off a chunk of the Sugar Daddy, as doing so would be a fool’s errand, eminently deserving of the inglorious failure that would unquestionably result. Instead, test the constitution of the candy by taking a series of small bites WITHOUT FULLY PENETRATING IT! The purpose of this step is to aerate the Daddy, undermining its structural integrity and hopefully preparing the way for the successful execution of the mission.

Step Three: Treat it like a sucker. A bath in your venomous saliva will begin to corrode not only the thick surficial layers of tempered caramel, but the cruel snack’s morale as well. The Daddy is sensitive about being called a lollipop and if you’re going to win this battle, you’ve got to be prepared to wage psychological war.

Like this

Step Four: Don’t bite off more than you can chew. Now is the time to start Mr. Ed-ing that bad-boy, but take it easy as even a wounded Daddy is still a formidable opponent, and especially so when back into a corner.

Step Five: Finish up! Respect your opponent enough to complete the job. There’s nothing more ignoble than a bisected Sugar Daddy limping around your apartment for days, getting covered in cat hair. Accept his surrender magnanimously and deliver the coup de grace with the aplomb befitting one of your station, for you may now count yourself among a clan of few and proud.

Try the Whole Fearsome Family

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in Candy, Candy Tips, Nostalgic/Retro, Reviews

3 Feb

Three (?) Flavors! 0

Some folks call it the Supreme Coconut Bar. Me, I just try to call it like I see it.

Erudite.

Whatever it is, it gets a lot of points in the presentation and novelty departments. Literally, a slab of tri-colored coconut, this confection is both pretty and unpretentious. I was excited to try it since I’m a dyed in the wool coco-nut and interested to see how it would take to the good old Neopolitan treatment.

A lot to live up to

I’m sorry to say that the result isn’t as ambrosial as I’d expected. While the coconut is as moist and chewy as good coconut should be, I have to admit that I miss the contrasting textures that other coconut confections usually achieve with smooth chocolate coating. OK, not a huge concern. Unfortunately the flavors, which could have been this confection’s saving grace, are pretty unimpressive. Maybe I tried a defective bar, because the “chocolate” portion tasted like strawberry, while the “vanilla” and “strawberry” sections just tasted like coconut with hints of generic sweetener.

Rather Faceless

When I checked out maker Crown Candy Corporation’s website, I was surprised to find a wide selection of what seemed to be gourmet, hand-made coconut treats, but no trace of this bar. It seems to be quite an old product (though information is scant and just how old it is I’m not certain) and I wonder if Crown Candy inherited it from a now-defunct producer and simply continues to manufacture it without much interest in bringing it up to speed with the rest of their seemingly high-end lines. Here’s to hoping Crown Candy will give this old timer the royal treatment such a kicking  concept deserves.

“A lovely bunch of coconuts

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in Candy, Candy Tips, Chocolate, Nostalgic/Retro, Reviews, Soft

If Chunky were developed today, it’s a fair bet the name wouldn’t pass muster in many focus groups. Yet, for over seven decades it has remained defiantly on the shelves, proudly shouting out its incredibly apropos (and rather insinuating) name in husky red letters. My advice is not to take offense. Even if you live large, the Chunky is hardly your worst enemy.

Why?

It fills you up! That’s right, for a measly 1.4 ounce bar, the Chunky’s power to stave off hunger approaches the uncanny. The combination of milk chocolate, peanuts and raisins– long used to great effect in trail-mixes— works magic here as well. A single Chunky– while undeniably a mouthful– is neither too sweet, nor too insubstantial, which is more than can be said of most chocolate bars. You aren’t going to be gulping down aspirin or rooting in the cupboard for chips after a Chunky, is what I’m trying to say. You’re going to want to run up a mountain without stopping.

Also, its double Trapezoid shape reminds me of Optimus Prime before Michael Bay blew chunks all over him.

His gleaming torso was inspired by the Chunky

Celebrate Chocolate Bars of All Shapes and Sizes at Candy.com!

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27 Jan

Rage Against the Dying of the Zagnut 1

If you’ve never seen a Zagnut, you’re not alone. They’ve been on the International Candy Service’s list of critically endangered Sweets since 1979 and even the efforts  of HERSHEY’S, which acquired the brand from D.L. Clark Company in 1996, have not been enough to pull the bars back from the brink that they’ve been teetering on for the past 30 years. And it’s a shame too, because the Zagnut is both unusual and delicious — a unique, but rapidly vanishing part of our American Confectionery heritage. While schools of the rare and beautiful bars — which are composed of crisp, thin layers of a kind of peanut brittle (almost mica like in consistency) coated in toasted coconut– exist in spacious reserves at some of the larger online candy websites, they are essentially impossible to find in their natural habitat on the shelves of local convenience stores.

A rare photo of a Zagnut in the wild

While film and television stars such as Michael Keaton (Beetlejuice), Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte (48 Hours), Fred Willard (SCTV), Lisa Simpson (The Simpsons) and Jason Lee (My Name is Earl) have used their celebrity status to spread awareness of Zagnut conservation, the plight of the Bars remains desperate.

Zagnuts have been seen to inspire great passion

An anonymous poet has recently sent us a bit of verse in honor of the Zagnut, with the hope that his or her words might inspire Zagnut awareness in today’s youth. Touchingly, the paen is structured as a villanelle, an archaic nineteen line form nearly as rare and irrelevant in modern poetry as is Zagnut in modern confectionery.

Probably the last guy to even care about a villanelle

Let us hope and pray that these words shall not soon serve as an epitaph.

The bar the world sang “Sighs! Wherefore such grace?”

Two nuts joined; pressed in rhomboid reverie

Stem and Root, whose fruits envy the other’s place

***

Glory shrinks from those who give it chase

Abiding on the less than likely tree

Zagnut: Peanut, coconut; this is grace

***

Where others clap for chocolate in the race

D.L. Clark, spitting, shouts, “It shall not be!”

“With this one I shall put them in their place!”

***

But every Saint’s a sinner if you trace

The arc whose course terminates in the sea

And find among the floating wrappers, grace

***

The sun sinks into rivers, swims with Dace

And schools of lesser stars sing out in glee

That they should gleam the brighter in its place

***

Yet still, the learned calling for the ace

Shall not drowned out by shriller voices be

Heed the peal of Zagnut: munch it in grace

Help the lost great reclaim its rightful place

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in Candy, Candy Tips, Nostalgic/Retro, Reviews