Archive for the ‘Chocolate’ Category

2 Feb

Essential Minerals 0

People can’t get enough of things that look like rocks but aren’t. Remember those foam pads that look like chunks of granite? They were usually found at outdoor sporting goods stores and really funny people liked to hurl them at you when you were in the middle of trying on hiking boots, forcing you to make a split-second Sophie’s choice about which part of your body would be saved and which would come to serve as a grisly reminder to passersby of the senseless brutality inherent to this epochal circus.


Well, Kimmie Candy’s Chocorocks operate on the same deceitful premise, the notable difference being that you can eat them. This is clutch if you’re attempting to conceal snacks from greedy, sticky fingered roommates, colleagues of siblings and may also prove to be the silver lining if you ever happen to have them thrown at you.

In addition to looking a great deal like pebbles, (geologists will recognize feldspars, gneisses, granite-countertops, cubic-cleavage and whatever else agglomerates their minerals) Chocorocks are excellent confections. With a hard, crispy-to-the-bite candy exterior and a smooth, milk chocolate center, they’re kind of like very stylish M&Ms. Boasting a vaguely malty taste and wide variety of colors, shapes and textures– ranging from coarse to smooth– this is stealth snacking of serious stature.

Are you ready to rock?

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in Candy, Chocolate, Milk Chocolate, Reviews

If Chunky were developed today, it’s a fair bet the name wouldn’t pass muster in many focus groups. Yet, for over seven decades it has remained defiantly on the shelves, proudly shouting out its incredibly apropos (and rather insinuating) name in husky red letters. My advice is not to take offense. Even if you live large, the Chunky is hardly your worst enemy.

Why?

It fills you up! That’s right, for a measly 1.4 ounce bar, the Chunky’s power to stave off hunger approaches the uncanny. The combination of milk chocolate, peanuts and raisins– long used to great effect in trail-mixes— works magic here as well. A single Chunky– while undeniably a mouthful– is neither too sweet, nor too insubstantial, which is more than can be said of most chocolate bars. You aren’t going to be gulping down aspirin or rooting in the cupboard for chips after a Chunky, is what I’m trying to say. You’re going to want to run up a mountain without stopping.

Also, its double Trapezoid shape reminds me of Optimus Prime before Michael Bay blew chunks all over him.

His gleaming torso was inspired by the Chunky

Celebrate Chocolate Bars of All Shapes and Sizes at Candy.com!

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22 Jan

If Thomas Hardy Was a Chocolate Bar 0

What do you get when you take one abandoned ice cream parlor, a healthy measure of Robinson Illinois, a jigger of the nineteen teens, one quart traveling salesman, essence of mysterious Greek confectioner, four parts family intrigue, the phrase “America’s Finest!” and coat it in milk chocolate? The answer is the Heath Bar, an English Style Toffee from the heartland of America that boasts a history as complex and nuanced as the War of the Roses. Read about it all in Bittersweet: The Story of the Heath Candy Co., for I’ve naugh’ the time, nor space here to spin the tale.

If you’ve read my review of SKOR, you may think, “I already know what he’s going to say, since that product is a veritable facsimile of this one.” Not So! At least not entirely… See, if you had in fact read that review, you would know that SKOR suffers from classic Eighties-itis – a sad syndrome in which the affected party’s prevailing assumption becomes “more is better!” Most notably, it resulted in the series of tragic flubs that came to exemplify the eponymous decade, ie: the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan, the music of Kenny Loggins, the E-Wok Adventures, the actions of the IMF, etc. So while SKOR undeniably takes its cues from the Heath Bar, it also exaggerates them to louder, more neon-drenched proportions as part of “The Mannheim Steamroller Approach,” indicative of its origins.

A guy who enjoys Heath Bar

“HeatH,” as it used to be known, is more demure. While this may not suit everybody, it does me. Butter Toffee can be a heavenly treat, but should be consumed responsibly. Perhaps the key to Heath’s more balanced flavor are the almonds mixed with the toffee? Whereas SKOR lacks any kind of countervailing force against the dizzying richness of the Milk-Chocolate / Butter Toffee, Heath’s almonds keep your lunch in your stomach where it belongs with a muted and much needed baseline flavor.

A guy who enjoys SKOR

Tragically, if the result of Citizens United V. FEC is any indication, Eighties-itis may be on the rise. Do your part to help keep the swelling down by enjoying Heath Bar, which (on this site, anyway) will never indicate political preference. Though, for the record, it does believe that Man got us into Global Warming and Man is going to have to get us out.

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in Chocolate, Milk Chocolate, Reviews

I’ve got a mint kick on. Continuing in that cool blue vein, I’ve come to Junior Mints – one of my favorite candies and the only reason I survived The Mummy Three: Rise of The Contents of My Stomach. Ironically, they were also the chief reason I consented to see the film in the first place. Love stinks, no? Such are the passions inspired by these delicate little rounds of pure joy.

A modest man, James O. Welch founded the James O. Welch Company of Cambridge Massachusetts in 1927, piddling away his days with brother Robert (who would later go on to found the John Birch Society of Notable Nutjobs) making fudge, trifle, treacle and tarts*. In 1949, James and Co. got the bright idea of basing a new mint confection around the then popular film (and book and radio series) “Junior Miss.”  “Junior Mints” would be sold in theaters, taking advantage not only of the homophonic relationship between the name of the film and the confection itself, but also of the closely integrated “vend and watch” sales approach of movie houses. Really, we didn’t have a chance.

Still, a lousy product wouldn’t have survived more than half a century, right? God?

Indubitably, Junior Mints are the Shrimp on the Bar-B. Sure, they’re softer than a frog in a warm plate of water–  a far cry from York Peppermint Patties and a distinction that confection prides itself upon— but I’ve always felt that reaching into a box of Junior Mints and pulling out a giant flotilla, mortared together by the focused gleam of cinema lights on the candy counter, is all part of the charm. Anyway, this phenomenon doesn’t affect the taste. Semi-sweet chocolate (is there any better? We all know what you do with those bags of chocolate chips when you’re not in the mood for cookies) and gooey, thick peppermint crème is one flavor combination that’ll always put a smile on my face no matter how much self-loathing I accrue sitting through your average Hollywood slag-fest, knowing I shelled double digit dollars in it’s honor. I dare say, it might even all be worth it when those lights come down and I’m in the dark with Junior Mints.

*There is no official record of James O. Welch Co. ever having consorted with Trifle, Treacle or Tarts. However, compelling primary sources indicate its involvement here, here and here.

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in Candy, Chocolate, Reviews, Semi-Sweet Chocolate