Archive for the ‘Milk Chocolate’ Category

2 Feb

Essential Minerals 0

People can’t get enough of things that look like rocks but aren’t. Remember those foam pads that look like chunks of granite? They were usually found at outdoor sporting goods stores and really funny people liked to hurl them at you when you were in the middle of trying on hiking boots, forcing you to make a split-second Sophie’s choice about which part of your body would be saved and which would come to serve as a grisly reminder to passersby of the senseless brutality inherent to this epochal circus.


Well, Kimmie Candy’s Chocorocks operate on the same deceitful premise, the notable difference being that you can eat them. This is clutch if you’re attempting to conceal snacks from greedy, sticky fingered roommates, colleagues of siblings and may also prove to be the silver lining if you ever happen to have them thrown at you.

In addition to looking a great deal like pebbles, (geologists will recognize feldspars, gneisses, granite-countertops, cubic-cleavage and whatever else agglomerates their minerals) Chocorocks are excellent confections. With a hard, crispy-to-the-bite candy exterior and a smooth, milk chocolate center, they’re kind of like very stylish M&Ms. Boasting a vaguely malty taste and wide variety of colors, shapes and textures– ranging from coarse to smooth– this is stealth snacking of serious stature.

Are you ready to rock?

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in Candy, Chocolate, Milk Chocolate, Reviews

If Chunky were developed today, it’s a fair bet the name wouldn’t pass muster in many focus groups. Yet, for over seven decades it has remained defiantly on the shelves, proudly shouting out its incredibly apropos (and rather insinuating) name in husky red letters. My advice is not to take offense. Even if you live large, the Chunky is hardly your worst enemy.

Why?

It fills you up! That’s right, for a measly 1.4 ounce bar, the Chunky’s power to stave off hunger approaches the uncanny. The combination of milk chocolate, peanuts and raisins– long used to great effect in trail-mixes— works magic here as well. A single Chunky– while undeniably a mouthful– is neither too sweet, nor too insubstantial, which is more than can be said of most chocolate bars. You aren’t going to be gulping down aspirin or rooting in the cupboard for chips after a Chunky, is what I’m trying to say. You’re going to want to run up a mountain without stopping.

Also, its double Trapezoid shape reminds me of Optimus Prime before Michael Bay blew chunks all over him.

His gleaming torso was inspired by the Chunky

Celebrate Chocolate Bars of All Shapes and Sizes at Candy.com!

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22 Jan

If Thomas Hardy Was a Chocolate Bar 0

What do you get when you take one abandoned ice cream parlor, a healthy measure of Robinson Illinois, a jigger of the nineteen teens, one quart traveling salesman, essence of mysterious Greek confectioner, four parts family intrigue, the phrase “America’s Finest!” and coat it in milk chocolate? The answer is the Heath Bar, an English Style Toffee from the heartland of America that boasts a history as complex and nuanced as the War of the Roses. Read about it all in Bittersweet: The Story of the Heath Candy Co., for I’ve naugh’ the time, nor space here to spin the tale.

If you’ve read my review of SKOR, you may think, “I already know what he’s going to say, since that product is a veritable facsimile of this one.” Not So! At least not entirely… See, if you had in fact read that review, you would know that SKOR suffers from classic Eighties-itis – a sad syndrome in which the affected party’s prevailing assumption becomes “more is better!” Most notably, it resulted in the series of tragic flubs that came to exemplify the eponymous decade, ie: the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan, the music of Kenny Loggins, the E-Wok Adventures, the actions of the IMF, etc. So while SKOR undeniably takes its cues from the Heath Bar, it also exaggerates them to louder, more neon-drenched proportions as part of “The Mannheim Steamroller Approach,” indicative of its origins.

A guy who enjoys Heath Bar

“HeatH,” as it used to be known, is more demure. While this may not suit everybody, it does me. Butter Toffee can be a heavenly treat, but should be consumed responsibly. Perhaps the key to Heath’s more balanced flavor are the almonds mixed with the toffee? Whereas SKOR lacks any kind of countervailing force against the dizzying richness of the Milk-Chocolate / Butter Toffee, Heath’s almonds keep your lunch in your stomach where it belongs with a muted and much needed baseline flavor.

A guy who enjoys SKOR

Tragically, if the result of Citizens United V. FEC is any indication, Eighties-itis may be on the rise. Do your part to help keep the swelling down by enjoying Heath Bar, which (on this site, anyway) will never indicate political preference. Though, for the record, it does believe that Man got us into Global Warming and Man is going to have to get us out.

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in Chocolate, Milk Chocolate, Reviews

13 Jan

Fit for Mr. Ed 0

t_318_01

Twix has been giving people in the good old US of A a moment to chew things over for over 30 years now which, according to the laws of decision dynamics, means more than enough time for all parties venerable and candy-conscious to have come down firmly on one side of the “I likes it” fence or the other. It’s younger sibling, Peanut Butter Twix popped out of Mars inc. in 1983, and while it never seemed to see the same massive exposure as its caramel-coated forbear, it’s graced enough mouths to safely assume that the collective jury’s long since been called back. The verdict? Apparently Twix Peanut Butter didn’t quite cut the mustard since the bar was retired in 1997. Three long years of dimly lit basements, high priced e-bay lots, and neighbors against brothers may or may not have ensued before Peanut Butter Twix enthusiasts were overjoyed to learn that Mars hadn’t forsaken them. 2000 saw the release of a tricked out, generation NOW! Peanut Butter Twix redux known as “Twix PB.” Fans rejoiced, returned to the light and thanked whatever is in charge that one thing, at least, seemed right in the world.

man in praise

But was it?

If you’ve bitten into a Twix PB lately, perhaps looking for an opportunity to temporarily obfuscate some or other of your many wrong doings with a hastily concocted ploy, you’ve probably noticed that the wafer’s changed. Specifically, the wafer’s no longer plain, but rather chocolate. Sound good? To many it may– but while I don’t entirely disagree with the premise, I take issue with the execution.

MrEd

First, the chocolate wafer can’t hold a candle to the original. This has less to do with the wafer’s flavor and more to do with the wafer’s consistency, which is distinctly crumblier and lacks the crisp bite that makes the original Twix such an appealing blend of textures. This could perhaps be forgiven if the chocolate wafer had any real merit beyond filling up space– space, I might add, which crumbles away too fast for even glib Mars executives to think of a way to distract us.  While the milk chocolate coating and creamy subcutaneous peanut butter are without fault, they’re powerless against the forces of mediocrity that seem to have taken a particularly strong interest in this bar. Eating Twix PB is not unpleasant, but fans of the original will thank Mars (totally sarcastically) that, at least in this country, they’ve got a constitutionally protected right to horde Peanut Butter Twix in cool, dark places.

“Be[twixt] thought and expression, there lies a lifetime.”

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in Candy, Candy Tips, Chocolate, Milk Chocolate, Reviews