Archive for the ‘Candy Tips’ Category

whitecrunchcrunchbar

Dear Head of Crunch Division,

We’ve been getting reports lately that the regular crunch bar simply doesn’t cut it anymore.  The public wants something new, something exciting, something dangerous, something that will keep them up late at night, trying to figure out our next move. We want their efforts to be futile.

turkey

This Thanksgiving, as I sat amid the carnage of the holiday feast, I came to regard the gutted carcass of that erstwhile bird whose roasted body had served as our main repast. The skin and bones, now dry and barren, had supported rich bevies of plump, juicy meats only hours before—meats both dark and light. As the tryptophan took effect and I felt my girth being swallowed by the Ostrich leather lounger, I was scintillated by visions of what Crunch could be.  These visions both enchanted and disturbed me.

paradise

I saw dozens of Crunch Bars, frisking in fields of puffed rice beside streams overflowing with milk chocolate. At first their play was vital, joyous, full of the light of morning and childhood.  Soon however, the Crunch Bars grew bored– their dancing listless, their crispiness laconic. Even the Buncha Crunches seemed to sigh with an ennui perverse in ones so young. I looked upon my creation and was troubled. I shouted “What’s everybody so depressed about, eh? How can my children be so ungrateful?”

flower

They replied that life felt stagnant, that since they were all the same and always would be, that they had little to look forward to and didn’t even take pleasure from being consumed anymore.

I admit, I hadn’t foreseen this.

I asked, “How can I alleviate your burdens?”

As one they replied, “Look to the Turkey.”

yinyang

I was jolted awake, sweating and found myself clutching something warm in each hand.

In my right palm sat a morsel of dark meat; rich, strong and earthy.

In my left a bit of white; whimsical and quixotic.

The yin and yang of existence.

Do you read me, Mr. Crunch?

whitechocolate

I’m talking cocoa-butter and lots of it. Milk solids and no more than 55% sweetener. I’m talking White Chocolate Crunch and I want you to make it happen.  Nothing less than the fate of Nestle and the well-being of the extended Crunch family may be at stake. Please, think of the little Buncha Crunches.

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24 Nov

“Follow the Finger” 0

butterfinger

Famously dropped from aircraft across American cities in the early 1920s in the kind of highly ironic, “devil-take-the-hindmost” marketing misanthropy for which these United States have become deservedly notorious, Butterfinger hawkers have always sought to cultivate an “edgy” image.  “A confection named for oafishness? How droll!” While Curtiss Candy Company of Chicago never got the obvious choices of Moe, Larry or Curly to endorse their bar, everyone’s favorite heartless multi-national Nestle had the good sense (and greens) to enlist The Simpsons as spokescartoons when they purchased the brand in 1990. Through 2001, phrases like “Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger!” and “Bite my Butterfinger!” could be heard shrilling from the infallible gold lips of Bart through televisions sets across America and beyond, making the bar at least a bit hipper by association.

simpsonsbutter

Now, it’s the time of year when society urges us to be introspective—to take a moment and consider what we’re thankful for.  Sure, I could give the Butterfinger the proverbial “Indian” rub, really take its “stuffing” out, but that’s not what this season is all about.  Instead, I’m going to list the reasons why I’m thankful the Butterfinger exists.

1. They’re not as bad as Skor. Seriously! Although similar, the Butterfinger is not as paryltically cloying as Skor, which is reason enough to rejoice.

2. They won’t burn! According to the Simpsons, (who were slightly bitter after having been dumped) even fire won’t eat butterfinger.

3. The pieces that fall out of your mouth (which is always, making a huge mess) usually melt swiftly and can be easily wiped up with a moist towel or towelette.

4. They remind you of the wealth of other foods that exist! No, Butterfinger is not the dominant food paradigm on planet earth.  Pa won’t be slicing no Butterfingerball Turkey this Thursday, no one will be passing the ButterfingerBeans, and lord, there will be no boat of drawn Butterfinger to pour over the mashed potatoes, hallelujah!

thanks

Enjoy the feast, Leave the sweets ‘til dessert and Happy Thanksgiving from Candy.com!

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almondjoymounds

Peter Paul Candy Manufacturing Company set up shop in New Haven Connecticut in 1919, with the goal of striking it big peddling exotic, coconut-based confections to an eager, coconut-hungry public.

Their first offering was the “Kona Bar,” a blend of coconut, dried fruits and nuts covered in chocolate. The confections were made in the dead of night when the air was coolest (to avoid then ubiquitous refrigeration issues with chocolate), and sold fresh the next morning door-to-door. Ah the golden days of solicitation, when the next knock could mean a complete Encyclopaedia Britannica, a delicious, fresh Kona Bar, or even an orgone accumulator.

orgoneaccumulator

As Peter Paul’s business grew so did its product line, with Mounds and Almond Joy joining the happy chocolate-coconut family to the delight of Connecticuticans and beyond.

coconut

If you don’t have a coconut allergy, there’s no reason you shouldn’t be enjoying a Mounds or Almond Joy right now because these tiny bars (two per pack) are the cat’s pajamas. “Enrobed” in rich, dark chocolate, Mounds are a smooth double shot of creamy, shredded coconut, while Almond Joy caters to those who prefer to chew their food with sweet and mild milk-chocolate coated coconut with almonds.

door

While both Mounds and Almond Joy are extremely satisfying, I don’t think I’m alone in supporting a revival of the Kona Bar and fresh daily-to-your-door delivery.

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17 Nov

Cold Candy and Hot Jazz (A Telegram) 0


Give your dogs a rest and let me bend your ear a minute.

charlestonchew

I’m reviewing the Charleston Chew, see. Stop.

chews

Traditionally it’s full up vanilla nougat, though word on the street says there’s strawberry and chocolate varieties too. Stop.

hot cocoa

Which reminds me, the outside’s milk chocolate—and what milk chocolate! Tastes mighty like hot cocoa you ask me. Stop.

jedgar

Stretchy as the long arm of J. Edgar and stickier than a Pinkerton gumshoe! Stop.

charleston

Put it on ice and it’ll pop like the hips on Josephine Baker. Stop.

gersh

Leave it in the sun and it’ll drip sweet like a Gershwin ballad. Stop.

flappers

Keep one in your back pocket; let the drys and the flappers know you like to “Dance the Charleston with the Duke and the Count.” Stop.

capone

And stay away from that Capone character, he’s natural trouble. Stop.

23 skadoo and happy chews from Candy.com! Stop.

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