Whether you’re a cap or a stem fellow, you must surely wager that the latest nostrum from eccentric (and some say deranged) confectioner Wilhelm “Willy” Wonka is, at the very least, no flim-flam.
Modeled after popular fungal fruiting bodies, youths especially shall greet the glad trifecta of patent shapes with enthusiasm. One: a handsome button replete with a squat, ribbed torso, the second: pleasant and conically inclined, the third: a sort of ovate affair, gilled as a berth of folios! Called “Puckerooms” and deriving their flavor with extractions from sundry “fruits,” the mind boggles contemplating the demoniac cunning that has birthed these seeming errata, and it is this author’s contention, at least, that the jaundiced hand of that seldom seen but much discussed diaspora of pygmy confectioners, the “Oompa-Loompa,” shall have been at play. Despite much muttering at Rowntree to the contrary, I say, “well played,” for the machinations of these pagan small persons have in “Puckerooms,” produced an assortment rare in that it pleases the palate as much as the eye— which is more than discerning gastromancers must claim of Bostwick’s Molasses Shoe Black or Plympton & Kegel’s Fagged Lymeswold Clots.
And what of the smack of these pretties? Do not come to disregard our tryst if I say that the “Puckeroom” is vibrant and color-full. The exotic taste of a strange and fecund tropic remains foremost on the tongue, and undiminished with each successive bite. The savor of “cherries” from the groves of the Near East is one variety, being dark and sweet as the fancy inducing perfumes of the same. The “Lemon and Orange”—tart as mature Wensleydale– recalls Iberia, and should remind any who have Yule-tided in Lapland of the curious berries so beloved by those who adorn their hearths with stockings in hope of attracting the pity of St. Niklaus. The “Grape,” meanwhile should prove no obstacle for the salt of any person inclined toward the sopping of “Wines,” though this presentation sadly bears little of its salubrious effects.
If you are a grimme and choleric chappe, continue to drive your hearse-carriage and be done with it, however, do not say to me “I denounce Mr. Wonka’s Puckerooms and their apologists!” for there is enough bluster and smog in the London faire without you! And I would point out to you that “Bubble and Squeak” was once considered “exciting” and “Luciferian.” My only complaint to Mr. Wonka is that the confection is not perhaps as sour as the advertisement marquee otherwise indicates. Be assured, it is no Hessian cheese– though I dare it is no madding crowd who shall not object the fact either!
Wonka’s Sour Puckerooms Gummies are made with the finest natural ingredients (including 25% real fruit juice) and contain Gelatin.