16 Mar

Albanese Separates the Men from the Guys 0

Set ‘em up and knock ‘em back—that’s how you deal with Army Men. I wish the same could be said of Albanese’s Army Guys.

Guys, dudes, bros—you know who I’m talking about. Your brother could very well be a guy and that guy down the hall that listens to G. Love & Special Sauce? It’s conceivable that he too is a guy. You might even be a guy. While many guys prefer hanging out, chilling, maxing, kicking back, tuneskies, the phrase “beer me,” and plastic thong sandals to MREs and the constant threat of annihilation, several have adapted successfully to life in the Armed Services. Due to a perceived dominance of and ubiquity within the paradigm, market-driven approaches to the portrayal of military institutions in film, television and popular music tend to represent men  as the sole participants in warfare, thus (advertently and inadvertently) advancing  a  by-men for-men socio-historical narrative as narrow in scope as it is epistemologically irresponsible. While I applaud Albanese (USA “World’s Best”) for attempting to redress these unfortunate circumstances by naming its Gummi  jarheads “Army Guys,” I’m disappointed in the product from the standpoint of a confectionery appraiser.

Some stock guy, just trying to enjoy himself.

My eagerness to mete justice by recognizing the contribution of army guys to the course of history was blanched from the moment I opened the bag. As I bent to smell the guys, I was disappointed that instead of stale cereal and patchouli or whatever, the distinct aroma of gluey porch treatment hit my nostrils like some kind of tough man. Guys don’t smell like a classroom of kindergarteners scribbling away with permanent markers– men do! The iniquities didn’t stop there. Biting into the guys (who were supposed to taste like green apple), my mouth was offended by both their flavor and texture. We all know that guys can be a little sloppy when it comes to personal appearance and hygiene, but these guys were ridiculous. These guys tasted like uncooked egg-whites that had been sprayed with that bitter apple pet deterrent stuff that some guys use on their dogs and were approximately the consistency of old gak some guy has had lying around under his couch since 1994. Perhaps this sounds harsh. As a guy, I’m capable of exaggeration, but guys, trust me.

We appreciate the effort guys, but seriously, you’re giving guys a bad rap.

Hey, guy, here’s the link.

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