Just kidding, I actually like the Sugar Daddy, though this flies in the face of my better judgment. As likely to leave you screaming in agony as cooing in delight, the pantheon of modern confectionery has only rarely witnessed such an unapologetic provocateur. Though suckers for punishment may warn that you can’t tiptoe on the wild-side, there are relatively safe ways to enjoy this slab of caramelized Marquis du Sade-on-a-stick. The first mistake people usually make when they meet “The Daddy” is underestimating him. You should expect to lose teeth if you plunge in unprepared with your gums flapping and your jaws gnashing. There is a reason why this “lollipop” has been given a creepy paternal epithet.
Those who’ve beaten the “Beige Baron” know that there are some tricks for going toe-to-toe with the old pudgy pugilist.
Step One: Apply the heat! Leaving a Sugar Daddy on the dashboard of an El Camino in the Mojave desert between 1 and 4 PM in late July is a great way to get the candy just soft enough so that your pearly whites won’t shatter immediately upon contact.
Step Two: Don’t get cocky! Just because you’ve sunk your teeth into it, doesn’t mean you’re going to get them out again. Under no circumstances should you yet bite off a chunk of the Sugar Daddy, as doing so would be a fool’s errand, eminently deserving of the inglorious failure that would unquestionably result. Instead, test the constitution of the candy by taking a series of small bites WITHOUT FULLY PENETRATING IT! The purpose of this step is to aerate the Daddy, undermining its structural integrity and hopefully preparing the way for the successful execution of the mission.
Step Three: Treat it like a sucker. A bath in your venomous saliva will begin to corrode not only the thick surficial layers of tempered caramel, but the cruel snack’s morale as well. The Daddy is sensitive about being called a lollipop and if you’re going to win this battle, you’ve got to be prepared to wage psychological war.
Step Four: Don’t bite off more than you can chew. Now is the time to start Mr. Ed-ing that bad-boy, but take it easy as even a wounded Daddy is still a formidable opponent, and especially so when back into a corner.
Step Five: Finish up! Respect your opponent enough to complete the job. There’s nothing more ignoble than a bisected Sugar Daddy limping around your apartment for days, getting covered in cat hair. Accept his surrender magnanimously and deliver the coup de grace with the aplomb befitting one of your station, for you may now count yourself among a clan of few and proud.
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