Archive for February, 2010

5 Feb

It should be paying me to eat it 0

Just kidding, I actually like the Sugar Daddy, though this flies in the face of my better judgment. As likely to leave you screaming in agony as cooing in delight, the pantheon of modern confectionery has only rarely witnessed such an unapologetic provocateur. Though suckers for punishment may warn that you can’t tiptoe on the wild-side, there are relatively safe ways to enjoy this slab of caramelized Marquis du Sade-on-a-stick. The first mistake people usually make when they meet “The Daddy” is underestimating him. You should expect to lose teeth if you plunge in unprepared with your gums flapping and your jaws gnashing. There is a reason why this “lollipop” has been given a creepy paternal epithet.

Those who’ve beaten the “Beige Baron” know that there are some tricks for going toe-to-toe with the old pudgy pugilist.

Step One: Apply the heat! Leaving a Sugar Daddy on the dashboard of an El Camino in the Mojave desert between 1 and 4 PM in late July is a great way to get the candy just soft enough so that your pearly whites won’t shatter immediately upon contact.

Step Two: Don’t get cocky! Just because you’ve sunk your teeth into it, doesn’t mean you’re going to get them out again. Under no circumstances should you yet bite off a chunk of the Sugar Daddy, as doing so would be a fool’s errand, eminently deserving of the inglorious failure that would unquestionably result. Instead, test the constitution of the candy by taking a series of small bites WITHOUT FULLY PENETRATING IT! The purpose of this step is to aerate the Daddy, undermining its structural integrity and hopefully preparing the way for the successful execution of the mission.

Step Three: Treat it like a sucker. A bath in your venomous saliva will begin to corrode not only the thick surficial layers of tempered caramel, but the cruel snack’s morale as well. The Daddy is sensitive about being called a lollipop and if you’re going to win this battle, you’ve got to be prepared to wage psychological war.

Like this

Step Four: Don’t bite off more than you can chew. Now is the time to start Mr. Ed-ing that bad-boy, but take it easy as even a wounded Daddy is still a formidable opponent, and especially so when back into a corner.

Step Five: Finish up! Respect your opponent enough to complete the job. There’s nothing more ignoble than a bisected Sugar Daddy limping around your apartment for days, getting covered in cat hair. Accept his surrender magnanimously and deliver the coup de grace with the aplomb befitting one of your station, for you may now count yourself among a clan of few and proud.

Try the Whole Fearsome Family

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in Candy, Candy Tips, Nostalgic/Retro, Reviews

3 Feb

Three (?) Flavors! 0

Some folks call it the Supreme Coconut Bar. Me, I just try to call it like I see it.

Erudite.

Whatever it is, it gets a lot of points in the presentation and novelty departments. Literally, a slab of tri-colored coconut, this confection is both pretty and unpretentious. I was excited to try it since I’m a dyed in the wool coco-nut and interested to see how it would take to the good old Neopolitan treatment.

A lot to live up to

I’m sorry to say that the result isn’t as ambrosial as I’d expected. While the coconut is as moist and chewy as good coconut should be, I have to admit that I miss the contrasting textures that other coconut confections usually achieve with smooth chocolate coating. OK, not a huge concern. Unfortunately the flavors, which could have been this confection’s saving grace, are pretty unimpressive. Maybe I tried a defective bar, because the “chocolate” portion tasted like strawberry, while the “vanilla” and “strawberry” sections just tasted like coconut with hints of generic sweetener.

Rather Faceless

When I checked out maker Crown Candy Corporation’s website, I was surprised to find a wide selection of what seemed to be gourmet, hand-made coconut treats, but no trace of this bar. It seems to be quite an old product (though information is scant and just how old it is I’m not certain) and I wonder if Crown Candy inherited it from a now-defunct producer and simply continues to manufacture it without much interest in bringing it up to speed with the rest of their seemingly high-end lines. Here’s to hoping Crown Candy will give this old timer the royal treatment such a kicking  concept deserves.

“A lovely bunch of coconuts

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in Candy, Candy Tips, Chocolate, Nostalgic/Retro, Reviews, Soft

2 Feb

Essential Minerals 0

People can’t get enough of things that look like rocks but aren’t. Remember those foam pads that look like chunks of granite? They were usually found at outdoor sporting goods stores and really funny people liked to hurl them at you when you were in the middle of trying on hiking boots, forcing you to make a split-second Sophie’s choice about which part of your body would be saved and which would come to serve as a grisly reminder to passersby of the senseless brutality inherent to this epochal circus.


Well, Kimmie Candy’s Chocorocks operate on the same deceitful premise, the notable difference being that you can eat them. This is clutch if you’re attempting to conceal snacks from greedy, sticky fingered roommates, colleagues of siblings and may also prove to be the silver lining if you ever happen to have them thrown at you.

In addition to looking a great deal like pebbles, (geologists will recognize feldspars, gneisses, granite-countertops, cubic-cleavage and whatever else agglomerates their minerals) Chocorocks are excellent confections. With a hard, crispy-to-the-bite candy exterior and a smooth, milk chocolate center, they’re kind of like very stylish M&Ms. Boasting a vaguely malty taste and wide variety of colors, shapes and textures– ranging from coarse to smooth– this is stealth snacking of serious stature.

Are you ready to rock?

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in Candy, Chocolate, Milk Chocolate, Reviews